The good news is, my last two chemo treatments should be a "cake walk" (exact words used by my doctor). The bad news is, my chemo treatments have to be extended for 2 more weeks, for 2 reasons:
Reason #1: I couldn't have my treatment today because my white blood cell count was too low, so treatment #7 has been postponed until next friday.
Reason #2:
The allergic reaction I had to my last taxol treatment was bad enough that my doctor decided to switch to a different drug for my last two treatments. The new drug (can't remember the name of it, but it is in the taxol family) has minimal side effects (hence the promised "cake walk") and is actually more effective than Taxol. But it can only be given every three weeks instead of two weeks, which pushes my final treatment date to November 13th.
It's okay though - as long as I feel good and can function like a normal person, it doesn't really matter that I have to be in chemo phase for two extra weeks.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Hope
I had my second Taxol treatment today, which means I only have 2 left! My blood counts were up, so I didn’t need a blood transfusion (thanks to all those who have offered me their blood), so that was a great blessing. The doctor also increased the steroid dosage and instructed me to take Benadryl at home, so hopefully the chest pain won’t return and I won’t need to take another trip to the ER to check for blood clots.
It has been a great week physically – I’ve had no nausea and just a little fatigue, and I am grateful that the Taxol treatments have been easier than the A/C. It’s been wonderful to feel somewhat normal.
We threw Jonas his 5-year-old birthday party last Wednesday, and it was tons of fun. Our backyard was filled with running, screaming kids, and we had a Spiderman piñata which was decapitated by a little girl named Jessica. Pandemonium ensued, and I regret to say I didn’t capture the mayhem on video. Fifteen kids screamed, squealed, and desperately fought for candy and cheap plastic toys (provided by China, of course). It was like watching starving ducks fight over breadcrumbs, squawking and pecking at each other until the goods were consumed, then waddling around with their noses in the grass to make sure they didn’t miss anything. I’ll be replaying that scene in my own memory whenever I need a good laugh.
There has never been a time in my life when I have needed a good laugh more than I do now. I know it’s typical for people going through chemo to experience some depression and anxiety, and although that knowledge is somewhat comforting, the knowledge itself doesn’t make me want to jump up and sing “I am a typical cancer patient! All is well!”
I try to stay positive, and the energy and strength I’ve had recently have been a great blessing. Most days I am filled with hope and faith, and I cling to the promise of healing I have received from Heavenly Father through priesthood blessings. But there are times when the adversary sends dark clouds my way, and I am overcome by fear and anxiety. Sometimes the clouds pass quickly, dropping only a couple raindrops that are evaporated with a hopeful thought. And sometimes the clouds linger for days, shrouding me in darkness, pelting my heart with fear and despair.
In these dark hours, the Lord stretches forth his hand and reaches my reaching. He sends angels, seen and unseen, to lift me up and give me the help I need. He prompts people to call me so that I can cry it all out and express all my fears and anxiety to compassionate, understanding ears. He reminds me to do kind things for others so that I can forget myself. He blesses me with hope and strength through priesthood blessings. He prompts friends to post links on my blog to messages that I need to hear (thanks Krystal). He holds out his arm, and whispers to me, “take it,” and I grasp his unfailing strength until I am pulled out of the darkness and into a perfect brightness of hope. And the spirit whispers to me that all is not lost and that the Lord keeps his promises – that I will be protected, comforted, and healed.
Many things have helped me through the emotional wreckage of this week, but I’d like to mention three particular things:
1. I had a terrible day on Wednesday. I cried all day, felt like a terrible mother, and just felt completely out of control. I even considered talking to my doctor about getting on some anti-depressants. But the next day, I felt great. I didn’t cry all day, and when Keith came home, he let me know that he had been fasting for me all day. I know that fasting is one of the greatest ways of calling down the powers of heaven, and I know that because Keith made that sacrifice for me, I was carried through the day and have since felt happy and hopeful.
2.Thursday night I went to the temple. I sat in the celestial room and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. He reassured me that everything would be okay, and reminded me of all the things he has taught me through this trial and of all the promises he has given me, if I will just have faith. I love the temple!
3. Krystal posted a link to a youtube video highlighting Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the October 2008 conference, entitled “The Infinite Power of Hope.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbsU3b2srQA) I watched the video, then went to LDS.org to read the entire talk. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Here are some of my favorite parts:
“No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. ‘Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.’…
"…The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light…
"…We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair…
“Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us… And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in… Never surrender … Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”
I know I will make it through this! It has been a difficult journey, but I have already learned so much and know I will continue to learn if I seek Heavenly Father’s guidance. My faith has been increased, as has my compassion and desire to serve others who are in need. I know that I will look back on this experience as a great blessing – as a journey that changed me and refined me to become more like the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.
It has been a great week physically – I’ve had no nausea and just a little fatigue, and I am grateful that the Taxol treatments have been easier than the A/C. It’s been wonderful to feel somewhat normal.
We threw Jonas his 5-year-old birthday party last Wednesday, and it was tons of fun. Our backyard was filled with running, screaming kids, and we had a Spiderman piñata which was decapitated by a little girl named Jessica. Pandemonium ensued, and I regret to say I didn’t capture the mayhem on video. Fifteen kids screamed, squealed, and desperately fought for candy and cheap plastic toys (provided by China, of course). It was like watching starving ducks fight over breadcrumbs, squawking and pecking at each other until the goods were consumed, then waddling around with their noses in the grass to make sure they didn’t miss anything. I’ll be replaying that scene in my own memory whenever I need a good laugh.
There has never been a time in my life when I have needed a good laugh more than I do now. I know it’s typical for people going through chemo to experience some depression and anxiety, and although that knowledge is somewhat comforting, the knowledge itself doesn’t make me want to jump up and sing “I am a typical cancer patient! All is well!”
I try to stay positive, and the energy and strength I’ve had recently have been a great blessing. Most days I am filled with hope and faith, and I cling to the promise of healing I have received from Heavenly Father through priesthood blessings. But there are times when the adversary sends dark clouds my way, and I am overcome by fear and anxiety. Sometimes the clouds pass quickly, dropping only a couple raindrops that are evaporated with a hopeful thought. And sometimes the clouds linger for days, shrouding me in darkness, pelting my heart with fear and despair.
In these dark hours, the Lord stretches forth his hand and reaches my reaching. He sends angels, seen and unseen, to lift me up and give me the help I need. He prompts people to call me so that I can cry it all out and express all my fears and anxiety to compassionate, understanding ears. He reminds me to do kind things for others so that I can forget myself. He blesses me with hope and strength through priesthood blessings. He prompts friends to post links on my blog to messages that I need to hear (thanks Krystal). He holds out his arm, and whispers to me, “take it,” and I grasp his unfailing strength until I am pulled out of the darkness and into a perfect brightness of hope. And the spirit whispers to me that all is not lost and that the Lord keeps his promises – that I will be protected, comforted, and healed.
Many things have helped me through the emotional wreckage of this week, but I’d like to mention three particular things:
1. I had a terrible day on Wednesday. I cried all day, felt like a terrible mother, and just felt completely out of control. I even considered talking to my doctor about getting on some anti-depressants. But the next day, I felt great. I didn’t cry all day, and when Keith came home, he let me know that he had been fasting for me all day. I know that fasting is one of the greatest ways of calling down the powers of heaven, and I know that because Keith made that sacrifice for me, I was carried through the day and have since felt happy and hopeful.
2.Thursday night I went to the temple. I sat in the celestial room and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. He reassured me that everything would be okay, and reminded me of all the things he has taught me through this trial and of all the promises he has given me, if I will just have faith. I love the temple!
3. Krystal posted a link to a youtube video highlighting Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the October 2008 conference, entitled “The Infinite Power of Hope.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbsU3b2srQA) I watched the video, then went to LDS.org to read the entire talk. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Here are some of my favorite parts:
“No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. ‘Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.’…
"…The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light…
"…We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair…
“Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us… And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in… Never surrender … Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”
I know I will make it through this! It has been a difficult journey, but I have already learned so much and know I will continue to learn if I seek Heavenly Father’s guidance. My faith has been increased, as has my compassion and desire to serve others who are in need. I know that I will look back on this experience as a great blessing – as a journey that changed me and refined me to become more like the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Taxol
I had my first Taxol treatment on Friday, and my blood counts had dropped so low that they said if they don't come back up by my next treatment I will need a blood transfusion (O+, anyone?). While hooked up to the IV my mom called to let me know she was on her way to the instacare because my 4-year-old got a bead stuck up his nose. Luckily my brother Dan was there to mow my lawn when it happened, so he helped her with the other kids while Jonas had the bead removed. So I stressed for a few minutes, but once everything was taken care of, I succumbed to the Benadryl in my IV and drifted off to sleep for a bit. Then they gave me some steroids, followed by the Taxol. I didn’t have any side effects from the Taxol while they were giving it to me, but that night I started having tightness in my chest. I still had it the next day, so we had to go to the ER and get a CAT scan to rule out a blood clot. Then Saturday night I got a temperature, so I’m now taking antibiotics. Other than that, I think the Taxol is easier than the A/C. I’m having some bone pain and fatigue, but the nausea is minimal.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive and to remember my blessings, but the treatments are wearing on me emotionally. I suddenly have a high water table and I have been crying all the time. The nurse in the ER asked me about my kids, and I just burst into tears. I am glad Keith was there with me to smile at me, or I probably wouldn't have been able to stop crying. But I am so frustrated by the limitations the treatments put on me, and it is so depressing to not be able to be the mother and wife that I want to be.
So on a note of negativity, let me attempt some positivity. I am grateful my sickness is temporary. There are people out there who have life-long illnesses and disabilities, and my illness (hopefully) will only last a year or so. My family is healthy. I have three wonderful little boys and a wonderful, patient husband who loves me. I have food on my table (even if I don't feel like eating it), and clean water to drink. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have the knowledge of the gospel, which if applied, can help me through anything. My husband has a good job, we have good benefits. Countless people have helped us with meals, childcare, and expenses, and I know there are people out there who have to suffer this type of thing alone. So, I need to be more grateful!!!
I'm trying so hard to stay positive and to remember my blessings, but the treatments are wearing on me emotionally. I suddenly have a high water table and I have been crying all the time. The nurse in the ER asked me about my kids, and I just burst into tears. I am glad Keith was there with me to smile at me, or I probably wouldn't have been able to stop crying. But I am so frustrated by the limitations the treatments put on me, and it is so depressing to not be able to be the mother and wife that I want to be.
So on a note of negativity, let me attempt some positivity. I am grateful my sickness is temporary. There are people out there who have life-long illnesses and disabilities, and my illness (hopefully) will only last a year or so. My family is healthy. I have three wonderful little boys and a wonderful, patient husband who loves me. I have food on my table (even if I don't feel like eating it), and clean water to drink. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have the knowledge of the gospel, which if applied, can help me through anything. My husband has a good job, we have good benefits. Countless people have helped us with meals, childcare, and expenses, and I know there are people out there who have to suffer this type of thing alone. So, I need to be more grateful!!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Good Weekend
All things considered, it has been a good, normal weekend. Yesterday we drove to the Uintahs and went fishing at Crystal Lake (a little but breathtakingly beautiful lake). Keith got a bite, and the kids reeled in some green stuff, but we didn't leave with any fish. And once the kids (and I) stopped whining about how long it took to get there, we had a good time.
Today was a usual Sunday, we went to church, I taught my adorable girls about baptism for the dead (I love lessons like that - they always have a million questions and we get off on tangent after tangent, but they're fun tangents). After church I helped the boys build a train track with a big, big hill, then read them a couple books. I love days when I feel normal. They give me hope and remind me that all of this is temporary.
I've also been meaning to write about the results of my genetic testing. I found out at my last treatment that I have a BRAC1 deleterious mutation. That means I had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer before the age of 70. It also means that I have a 20% chance of getting ovarian cancer (would have been 44% if I didn't have breast cancer), and my doctor suggests that I have my ovaries removed when I am done having kids. So now I have to wrestle with the decision of whether or not to try for a girl. If I do have another baby, the doctor said I needed to wait at least three years after my treatment is over. What if I get ovarian cancer by then? And if I have a girl, she has a 50% chance of having the same genetic mutation. So ... very sadly ... I might be done having kids. Of course my mom and Keith want me to be done, but I still haven't decided for sure. I will have to make a decision in the coming months though. I just want to know God's will before I make such a permanent decision! I will be doing lots of praying to figure this one out...
Today was a usual Sunday, we went to church, I taught my adorable girls about baptism for the dead (I love lessons like that - they always have a million questions and we get off on tangent after tangent, but they're fun tangents). After church I helped the boys build a train track with a big, big hill, then read them a couple books. I love days when I feel normal. They give me hope and remind me that all of this is temporary.
I've also been meaning to write about the results of my genetic testing. I found out at my last treatment that I have a BRAC1 deleterious mutation. That means I had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer before the age of 70. It also means that I have a 20% chance of getting ovarian cancer (would have been 44% if I didn't have breast cancer), and my doctor suggests that I have my ovaries removed when I am done having kids. So now I have to wrestle with the decision of whether or not to try for a girl. If I do have another baby, the doctor said I needed to wait at least three years after my treatment is over. What if I get ovarian cancer by then? And if I have a girl, she has a 50% chance of having the same genetic mutation. So ... very sadly ... I might be done having kids. Of course my mom and Keith want me to be done, but I still haven't decided for sure. I will have to make a decision in the coming months though. I just want to know God's will before I make such a permanent decision! I will be doing lots of praying to figure this one out...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
4 Down, 4 to Go
I just wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement and kind words. It gives me extra strength to know that so many people are praying for me and cheering me on. I've been feeling quite brave this week, though I still don't claim it as my own - I know that I am being carried through this by my Savior and his atonement. As Jeffrey R. Holland stated in his article in the most recent Ensign,
"After speaking of sufferings so exquisite to feel and so hard to bear, Jesus said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they [and that means you and I and everyone] might not suffer if they would repent” (D&C 19:16). In our moments of pain and trial, I guess we would shudder to think it could be worse, but without the Atonement it not only could be worse, it would be worse. Only through our faith and repentance and obedience to the gospel that provided the sacred Atonement is it kept from being worse."
I know that without the Atonement, my suffering would be so much worse. I am eternally grateful to a Savior who loves me enough to take the burdens of my trials from my shoulders.
I am also happy to report that I am halfway done with my chemo treatments. And the last four treatments are a different drug (called Taxol) that my doctor says *most* people have an easier time with. He says it doesn't cause as much nausea and fatigue, just achiness and maybe some bone pain. But I am starting to see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel. I know I will get through this!
"After speaking of sufferings so exquisite to feel and so hard to bear, Jesus said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they [and that means you and I and everyone] might not suffer if they would repent” (D&C 19:16). In our moments of pain and trial, I guess we would shudder to think it could be worse, but without the Atonement it not only could be worse, it would be worse. Only through our faith and repentance and obedience to the gospel that provided the sacred Atonement is it kept from being worse."
I know that without the Atonement, my suffering would be so much worse. I am eternally grateful to a Savior who loves me enough to take the burdens of my trials from my shoulders.
I am also happy to report that I am halfway done with my chemo treatments. And the last four treatments are a different drug (called Taxol) that my doctor says *most* people have an easier time with. He says it doesn't cause as much nausea and fatigue, just achiness and maybe some bone pain. But I am starting to see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel. I know I will get through this!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Courage is Not Mine
I’ve always considered myself a fairly brave person. But these past couple weeks I’ve learned that I’m not as brave as I thought.
With each chemo treatment, it’s gotten more and more difficult to recover from the side effects. It’s a bit terrifying to watch and feel my body react to the deadly chemicals that are running through it. The nausea is constant, and even though I try to eat enough to give my body the nutrients it needs to rebuild, I can’t. My heart pounds for nine days straight, trying to deliver oxygen to my body with a fraction of my usual red blood cells. I have a sore throat and mouth sores, and my skin color alternates between pale yellow and green. I have no energy, and I can relate to the toys on the floor with generic drained batteries that strain to function and sound demon-possessed when they try to speak. The drug they give me to rebuild my blood-counts causes bone pain, and I feel pain in places I didn’t know it was possible to have pain. I have phlebitis in my left arm because apparently my veins don’t like poison. And so I lie awake at night, wondering how much more my body can take.
So through all this, I have discovered that I am not brave. If I was, I would face my trials head-on with a smile, or at least with a firm scowl of determination. Instead, I have been whimpering every time I feel pain, and breaking down into tears every time I think about my next chemo treatment and all the ones to follow. At times I am more afraid of the treatment for cancer than the cancer itself. I feel like a terrified, sobbing child who has just been informed they’ll be going to the doctor for a shot, who is inconsolable even after the parent reassures them that the shot will only hurt for a little bit and will keep them from getting sick. Yep, I’m a wimp.
So after I broke down in tears for the millionth time yesterday (because my arm was hurting from the phlebitis), I knelt down and asked God for strength, to help me be brave and face all that I have to go through with courage. When I finished praying, I went to the scriptures to learn how to be more brave. I found my answer in the following passages, and an overwhelming peace came over me as I read them.
Deuteronomy 20: 1-4 : When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies [cancer], and seest [needles, nausea, fatigue, infection, deadly chemicals, pounding heart], be not afraid of them: for the Lord thy God is with thee. … And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle … let not your heart faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified … for the Lord your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.
Deuteronomy 31: 6,8 : Be strong and of good courage, fear not … for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with the; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
As I was reading these scriptures, the song “How Firm a Foundation” came into my head. It’s never been one of my favorite hymns, but I decided to look it up and read the words. When I read verses 3-7, I was brought to tears by the spirit I felt and I knew that God was speaking directly to me.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
Remembering that God is with me, watching over me and protecting me, will give me the strength and courage I need to get through these next few months of chemo, surgery, and radiation. Courage is God’s, and he lends it to us if we put our lives in his hands and trust that he will take care of us.
Now everyone knows what a wimp I am! Okay, maybe not a wimp… I am just “tender-hearted.” But thank goodness for God's courage.
With each chemo treatment, it’s gotten more and more difficult to recover from the side effects. It’s a bit terrifying to watch and feel my body react to the deadly chemicals that are running through it. The nausea is constant, and even though I try to eat enough to give my body the nutrients it needs to rebuild, I can’t. My heart pounds for nine days straight, trying to deliver oxygen to my body with a fraction of my usual red blood cells. I have a sore throat and mouth sores, and my skin color alternates between pale yellow and green. I have no energy, and I can relate to the toys on the floor with generic drained batteries that strain to function and sound demon-possessed when they try to speak. The drug they give me to rebuild my blood-counts causes bone pain, and I feel pain in places I didn’t know it was possible to have pain. I have phlebitis in my left arm because apparently my veins don’t like poison. And so I lie awake at night, wondering how much more my body can take.
So through all this, I have discovered that I am not brave. If I was, I would face my trials head-on with a smile, or at least with a firm scowl of determination. Instead, I have been whimpering every time I feel pain, and breaking down into tears every time I think about my next chemo treatment and all the ones to follow. At times I am more afraid of the treatment for cancer than the cancer itself. I feel like a terrified, sobbing child who has just been informed they’ll be going to the doctor for a shot, who is inconsolable even after the parent reassures them that the shot will only hurt for a little bit and will keep them from getting sick. Yep, I’m a wimp.
So after I broke down in tears for the millionth time yesterday (because my arm was hurting from the phlebitis), I knelt down and asked God for strength, to help me be brave and face all that I have to go through with courage. When I finished praying, I went to the scriptures to learn how to be more brave. I found my answer in the following passages, and an overwhelming peace came over me as I read them.
Deuteronomy 20: 1-4 : When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies [cancer], and seest [needles, nausea, fatigue, infection, deadly chemicals, pounding heart], be not afraid of them: for the Lord thy God is with thee. … And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle … let not your heart faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified … for the Lord your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.
Deuteronomy 31: 6,8 : Be strong and of good courage, fear not … for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with the; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
As I was reading these scriptures, the song “How Firm a Foundation” came into my head. It’s never been one of my favorite hymns, but I decided to look it up and read the words. When I read verses 3-7, I was brought to tears by the spirit I felt and I knew that God was speaking directly to me.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
Remembering that God is with me, watching over me and protecting me, will give me the strength and courage I need to get through these next few months of chemo, surgery, and radiation. Courage is God’s, and he lends it to us if we put our lives in his hands and trust that he will take care of us.
Now everyone knows what a wimp I am! Okay, maybe not a wimp… I am just “tender-hearted.” But thank goodness for God's courage.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Miracle
I met with my doctor today before receiving my chemo treatment, and he was very surprised when he could not feel the lump under my arm or the lump in my breast. He said that they don't usually see a reduction in the size of the lump until after the third treatment, but, again, he couldn't even feel anything. I wanted to cry when he told me this, because it is truly a miracle. When Keith and my Dad gave me a blessing the night we found out my diagnosis, part of the blessing said that through the reactions of the doctors, I would know it is God's power that is healing me. Today I witnessed this promise come to pass when I saw the look of surprise on the doctor's face.
I have already learned so many things from this trial, and I hope to learn many more over the coming months. I learned a tough lesson this week. To preface - for the first couple weeks after learning of my diagnosis, I was on a spiritual high. I honestly felt like I was being carried, like there were angels around me bearing me up. I was happy and at perfect peace. Then this week, that feeling went away. I wondered why, because I felt like I was doing everything in my power to keep the spirit with me. But on Monday night, I just felt really scared, discouraged, and alone. I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to comfort me, but I still felt scared. So I asked Keith to give me a blessing, and even after the blessing, I was still full of fear and doubt. So I went downstairs to our family room by myself, and I kneeled down in front of the couch and cried, and cried, and cried. I don't think I have cried so hard since some guy broke my heart years ago. When I got most of the tears out, I prayed again, and told Heavenly Father what all my fears were, and pleaded for comfort. As I was praying the thought came to me that I needed to go to the scriptures for the comfort and peace I was looking for. So I went back upstairs and got in bed, and read the first three chapters of Mosiah. The peace I was seeking finally came over me, and I was able to go to sleep. The next morning, it occurred to me that Heavenly Father had taught me a powerful lesson. If God carried us through our trials and made them a piece of cake, we would not learn anything or grow. He carried me for a couple weeks, then he set me down to walk on my own, to increase my own spiritual strength. It was His way of saying, "Sarah, I will give you the peace and comfort you are looking for, but you have to work for it so that you will become the person I want you to be." I have been okay about reading my scriptures in the past, but usually only spent about 10 minutes a day casually reading. Had God continued carrying me, I would not have had any desire to improve this habit. But since this experience, I have spent each night immersing myself in the scriptures, sincerely seeking knowledge, and God has blessed me again with His comforting spirit. I have been asking God to help me to learn the things He wants me to learn from this trial, and He is certainly answering me.
God lives, loves us, and is anxious to bless us in our times of need, if we will but turn to Him. I am grateful for this trial and for all the ways I have already grown from it. My faith has increased, as well as my desire to do everything I can to have and keep the spirit with me.
Everything else with chemo #3 went well today. Dad came with me and we both read our Harry Potter books (he is reading them for the first time too). I am now at home in bed, heart pounding again and feeling just a little nauseous. The doctor gave me a couple new meds today for the nausea, including Marinol, a form of marijauna. Um... I'm not so sure I'll be filling that prescription.
One more note - I changed the settings on my blog so that anyone can post, not just those with Google accounts. So post! I love to get posts!
I have already learned so many things from this trial, and I hope to learn many more over the coming months. I learned a tough lesson this week. To preface - for the first couple weeks after learning of my diagnosis, I was on a spiritual high. I honestly felt like I was being carried, like there were angels around me bearing me up. I was happy and at perfect peace. Then this week, that feeling went away. I wondered why, because I felt like I was doing everything in my power to keep the spirit with me. But on Monday night, I just felt really scared, discouraged, and alone. I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to comfort me, but I still felt scared. So I asked Keith to give me a blessing, and even after the blessing, I was still full of fear and doubt. So I went downstairs to our family room by myself, and I kneeled down in front of the couch and cried, and cried, and cried. I don't think I have cried so hard since some guy broke my heart years ago. When I got most of the tears out, I prayed again, and told Heavenly Father what all my fears were, and pleaded for comfort. As I was praying the thought came to me that I needed to go to the scriptures for the comfort and peace I was looking for. So I went back upstairs and got in bed, and read the first three chapters of Mosiah. The peace I was seeking finally came over me, and I was able to go to sleep. The next morning, it occurred to me that Heavenly Father had taught me a powerful lesson. If God carried us through our trials and made them a piece of cake, we would not learn anything or grow. He carried me for a couple weeks, then he set me down to walk on my own, to increase my own spiritual strength. It was His way of saying, "Sarah, I will give you the peace and comfort you are looking for, but you have to work for it so that you will become the person I want you to be." I have been okay about reading my scriptures in the past, but usually only spent about 10 minutes a day casually reading. Had God continued carrying me, I would not have had any desire to improve this habit. But since this experience, I have spent each night immersing myself in the scriptures, sincerely seeking knowledge, and God has blessed me again with His comforting spirit. I have been asking God to help me to learn the things He wants me to learn from this trial, and He is certainly answering me.
God lives, loves us, and is anxious to bless us in our times of need, if we will but turn to Him. I am grateful for this trial and for all the ways I have already grown from it. My faith has increased, as well as my desire to do everything I can to have and keep the spirit with me.
Everything else with chemo #3 went well today. Dad came with me and we both read our Harry Potter books (he is reading them for the first time too). I am now at home in bed, heart pounding again and feeling just a little nauseous. The doctor gave me a couple new meds today for the nausea, including Marinol, a form of marijauna. Um... I'm not so sure I'll be filling that prescription.
One more note - I changed the settings on my blog so that anyone can post, not just those with Google accounts. So post! I love to get posts!
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