Courage is Not Mine

I’ve always considered myself a fairly brave person. But these past couple weeks I’ve learned that I’m not as brave as I thought.

With each chemo treatment, it’s gotten more and more difficult to recover from the side effects. It’s a bit terrifying to watch and feel my body react to the deadly chemicals that are running through it. The nausea is constant, and even though I try to eat enough to give my body the nutrients it needs to rebuild, I can’t. My heart pounds for nine days straight, trying to deliver oxygen to my body with a fraction of my usual red blood cells. I have a sore throat and mouth sores, and my skin color alternates between pale yellow and green. I have no energy, and I can relate to the toys on the floor with generic drained batteries that strain to function and sound demon-possessed when they try to speak. The drug they give me to rebuild my blood-counts causes bone pain, and I feel pain in places I didn’t know it was possible to have pain. I have phlebitis in my left arm because apparently my veins don’t like poison. And so I lie awake at night, wondering how much more my body can take.

So through all this, I have discovered that I am not brave. If I was, I would face my trials head-on with a smile, or at least with a firm scowl of determination. Instead, I have been whimpering every time I feel pain, and breaking down into tears every time I think about my next chemo treatment and all the ones to follow. At times I am more afraid of the treatment for cancer than the cancer itself. I feel like a terrified, sobbing child who has just been informed they’ll be going to the doctor for a shot, who is inconsolable even after the parent reassures them that the shot will only hurt for a little bit and will keep them from getting sick. Yep, I’m a wimp.

So after I broke down in tears for the millionth time yesterday (because my arm was hurting from the phlebitis), I knelt down and asked God for strength, to help me be brave and face all that I have to go through with courage. When I finished praying, I went to the scriptures to learn how to be more brave. I found my answer in the following passages, and an overwhelming peace came over me as I read them.

Deuteronomy 20: 1-4 : When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies [cancer], and seest [needles, nausea, fatigue, infection, deadly chemicals, pounding heart], be not afraid of them: for the Lord thy God is with thee. … And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle … let not your heart faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified … for the Lord your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.

Deuteronomy 31: 6,8 : Be strong and of good courage, fear not … for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with the; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

As I was reading these scriptures, the song “How Firm a Foundation” came into my head. It’s never been one of my favorite hymns, but I decided to look it up and read the words. When I read verses 3-7, I was brought to tears by the spirit I felt and I knew that God was speaking directly to me.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

Remembering that God is with me, watching over me and protecting me, will give me the strength and courage I need to get through these next few months of chemo, surgery, and radiation. Courage is God’s, and he lends it to us if we put our lives in his hands and trust that he will take care of us.

Now everyone knows what a wimp I am! Okay, maybe not a wimp… I am just “tender-hearted.” But thank goodness for God's courage.