Hope

I had my second Taxol treatment today, which means I only have 2 left! My blood counts were up, so I didn’t need a blood transfusion (thanks to all those who have offered me their blood), so that was a great blessing. The doctor also increased the steroid dosage and instructed me to take Benadryl at home, so hopefully the chest pain won’t return and I won’t need to take another trip to the ER to check for blood clots.

It has been a great week physically – I’ve had no nausea and just a little fatigue, and I am grateful that the Taxol treatments have been easier than the A/C. It’s been wonderful to feel somewhat normal.

We threw Jonas his 5-year-old birthday party last Wednesday, and it was tons of fun. Our backyard was filled with running, screaming kids, and we had a Spiderman piñata which was decapitated by a little girl named Jessica. Pandemonium ensued, and I regret to say I didn’t capture the mayhem on video. Fifteen kids screamed, squealed, and desperately fought for candy and cheap plastic toys (provided by China, of course). It was like watching starving ducks fight over breadcrumbs, squawking and pecking at each other until the goods were consumed, then waddling around with their noses in the grass to make sure they didn’t miss anything. I’ll be replaying that scene in my own memory whenever I need a good laugh.

There has never been a time in my life when I have needed a good laugh more than I do now. I know it’s typical for people going through chemo to experience some depression and anxiety, and although that knowledge is somewhat comforting, the knowledge itself doesn’t make me want to jump up and sing “I am a typical cancer patient! All is well!”

I try to stay positive, and the energy and strength I’ve had recently have been a great blessing. Most days I am filled with hope and faith, and I cling to the promise of healing I have received from Heavenly Father through priesthood blessings. But there are times when the adversary sends dark clouds my way, and I am overcome by fear and anxiety. Sometimes the clouds pass quickly, dropping only a couple raindrops that are evaporated with a hopeful thought. And sometimes the clouds linger for days, shrouding me in darkness, pelting my heart with fear and despair.

In these dark hours, the Lord stretches forth his hand and reaches my reaching. He sends angels, seen and unseen, to lift me up and give me the help I need. He prompts people to call me so that I can cry it all out and express all my fears and anxiety to compassionate, understanding ears. He reminds me to do kind things for others so that I can forget myself. He blesses me with hope and strength through priesthood blessings. He prompts friends to post links on my blog to messages that I need to hear (thanks Krystal). He holds out his arm, and whispers to me, “take it,” and I grasp his unfailing strength until I am pulled out of the darkness and into a perfect brightness of hope. And the spirit whispers to me that all is not lost and that the Lord keeps his promises – that I will be protected, comforted, and healed.

Many things have helped me through the emotional wreckage of this week, but I’d like to mention three particular things:

1. I had a terrible day on Wednesday. I cried all day, felt like a terrible mother, and just felt completely out of control. I even considered talking to my doctor about getting on some anti-depressants. But the next day, I felt great. I didn’t cry all day, and when Keith came home, he let me know that he had been fasting for me all day. I know that fasting is one of the greatest ways of calling down the powers of heaven, and I know that because Keith made that sacrifice for me, I was carried through the day and have since felt happy and hopeful.

2.Thursday night I went to the temple. I sat in the celestial room and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. He reassured me that everything would be okay, and reminded me of all the things he has taught me through this trial and of all the promises he has given me, if I will just have faith. I love the temple!

3. Krystal posted a link to a youtube video highlighting Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the October 2008 conference, entitled “The Infinite Power of Hope.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbsU3b2srQA) I watched the video, then went to LDS.org to read the entire talk. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Here are some of my favorite parts:

“No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. ‘Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.’…

"…The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light…

"…We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair…

“Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us… And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in… Never surrender … Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.”

I know I will make it through this! It has been a difficult journey, but I have already learned so much and know I will continue to learn if I seek Heavenly Father’s guidance. My faith has been increased, as has my compassion and desire to serve others who are in need. I know that I will look back on this experience as a great blessing – as a journey that changed me and refined me to become more like the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.