Chemo is my friend... Chemo is my friend

Last Thursday night, despite the upbeat tone of my blog, I was feeling pretty horrible. My heart was racing, my head pounding, and the nausea was almost unbearable. I kept trying to shift positions in bed to hide from the pain, but it kept finding me. I couldn’t go to sleep, so finally Keith called one of our neighbors, Justin Berg, to come help give me a blessing. I was able to go to sleep right after, and I slept through the night. For the next couple days I felt okay, just a little nauseous and tired.

Then this morning, chemo hit me head on and knocked me to the floor. I was minding my own business, making French toast for the kids, when suddenly all my strength just sort of drained out of me and I ended up on the floor. I told Jonas to get me the phone and I called my mom, then prayed for help. While still on the floor, I looked over to see Jonas peeking around the corner of the counter, whimpering. I called him over to me and sat up and held him in my arms as he cried and said, “I thought you were going to die.” It was so heartbreaking, but I held him and reassured him that I was not going to ever leave him.

By far the most difficult aspect of this trial has been to delegate my motherhood responsibilities to others. I love my little boys so fiercely and want to protect them from anything that would bring them discomfort or pain. But today I was faced with reality – that I’m not going to get through these next few months without help. The feeling of helplessness that hit me today is, for me, far more difficult than the physical pain or appearance of chemo. It’s the giving up of control over a routine and system that works best for my family, and trusting the care of my kids to others who I hope will just pick up where I have left off, hugs and kisses and all.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I went downstairs and listened to Elder Bednar’s conference talk about the tender mercies of the Lord. It reminded me that amidst life’s greatest trials, the Lord shows his love for us through the very personal tender mercies that He gives us. Only He knows what I am going through, only He knows my concerns and fears, and only He knows how to give me the tender mercies that will ease my troubled spirit and quiet my fears. I know that as I turn to Him, He will carry me, will send help, seen and unseen, to meet my family’s every need. My life is in His hands, and my family is in His hands. Could there be a more trustworthy, caring, loving being to entrust our care to?

I know there are people out there who are going through similar trials, but with no or little support from others. I am so, so grateful for my family and friends and neighbors who have stepped forward and done so much to help us with meals, childcare, and kind words. You have been the answer to our prayers.