Miracle

I met with my doctor today before receiving my chemo treatment, and he was very surprised when he could not feel the lump under my arm or the lump in my breast. He said that they don't usually see a reduction in the size of the lump until after the third treatment, but, again, he couldn't even feel anything. I wanted to cry when he told me this, because it is truly a miracle. When Keith and my Dad gave me a blessing the night we found out my diagnosis, part of the blessing said that through the reactions of the doctors, I would know it is God's power that is healing me. Today I witnessed this promise come to pass when I saw the look of surprise on the doctor's face.

I have already learned so many things from this trial, and I hope to learn many more over the coming months. I learned a tough lesson this week. To preface - for the first couple weeks after learning of my diagnosis, I was on a spiritual high. I honestly felt like I was being carried, like there were angels around me bearing me up. I was happy and at perfect peace. Then this week, that feeling went away. I wondered why, because I felt like I was doing everything in my power to keep the spirit with me. But on Monday night, I just felt really scared, discouraged, and alone. I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to comfort me, but I still felt scared. So I asked Keith to give me a blessing, and even after the blessing, I was still full of fear and doubt. So I went downstairs to our family room by myself, and I kneeled down in front of the couch and cried, and cried, and cried. I don't think I have cried so hard since some guy broke my heart years ago. When I got most of the tears out, I prayed again, and told Heavenly Father what all my fears were, and pleaded for comfort. As I was praying the thought came to me that I needed to go to the scriptures for the comfort and peace I was looking for. So I went back upstairs and got in bed, and read the first three chapters of Mosiah. The peace I was seeking finally came over me, and I was able to go to sleep. The next morning, it occurred to me that Heavenly Father had taught me a powerful lesson. If God carried us through our trials and made them a piece of cake, we would not learn anything or grow. He carried me for a couple weeks, then he set me down to walk on my own, to increase my own spiritual strength. It was His way of saying, "Sarah, I will give you the peace and comfort you are looking for, but you have to work for it so that you will become the person I want you to be." I have been okay about reading my scriptures in the past, but usually only spent about 10 minutes a day casually reading. Had God continued carrying me, I would not have had any desire to improve this habit. But since this experience, I have spent each night immersing myself in the scriptures, sincerely seeking knowledge, and God has blessed me again with His comforting spirit. I have been asking God to help me to learn the things He wants me to learn from this trial, and He is certainly answering me.

God lives, loves us, and is anxious to bless us in our times of need, if we will but turn to Him. I am grateful for this trial and for all the ways I have already grown from it. My faith has increased, as well as my desire to do everything I can to have and keep the spirit with me.

Everything else with chemo #3 went well today. Dad came with me and we both read our Harry Potter books (he is reading them for the first time too). I am now at home in bed, heart pounding again and feeling just a little nauseous. The doctor gave me a couple new meds today for the nausea, including Marinol, a form of marijauna. Um... I'm not so sure I'll be filling that prescription.

One more note - I changed the settings on my blog so that anyone can post, not just those with Google accounts. So post! I love to get posts!

On the Upside

I could list a million horrible things about chemo, but that probably wouldn't be very fun to read. So today I'd like to list all the good things about it.

1. First and most obvious, chemo is great at killing cancer cells. I can't even feel the lump under my arm anymore (my lymph node), and the lump in my breast feels smaller, so it must be working!

2. It’s the best weight-loss program I’ve ever been on. The nausea ruins my appetite, and when I do have an appetite, mouth sores make it too painful to eat. I’ve lost 12 pounds since I found out I have cancer, and I’m only 5 pounds away from pre-Jonas weight! All without effort! Look for “The Chemical Diet,” by Sarah Beard, in bookstores next summer.

3. I don’t have to blow-dry my hair. I’ve always hated styling my hair, and now I can just throw on a scarf or scratchy wig and go. I have not been late for anything since I lost my hair.

4. I don’t have to shave, pluck, or wax anything.

5. By eliminating the need for conditioner, root lifter, hairspray, and mousse, our hair product expenses have been reduced by 95.6%. That’s a savings of $283 per year!

6. I have the chance to spend 3 hours every two weeks just sitting in a recliner reading a good book. Sure, I've got an IV attached the entire time, but at least I can get through 5 chapters without being interrupted.

Okay, that's all the good things about chemo I can think of. If you think of any more, please post them. Thanks!

Chemo is my friend... Chemo is my friend

Last Thursday night, despite the upbeat tone of my blog, I was feeling pretty horrible. My heart was racing, my head pounding, and the nausea was almost unbearable. I kept trying to shift positions in bed to hide from the pain, but it kept finding me. I couldn’t go to sleep, so finally Keith called one of our neighbors, Justin Berg, to come help give me a blessing. I was able to go to sleep right after, and I slept through the night. For the next couple days I felt okay, just a little nauseous and tired.

Then this morning, chemo hit me head on and knocked me to the floor. I was minding my own business, making French toast for the kids, when suddenly all my strength just sort of drained out of me and I ended up on the floor. I told Jonas to get me the phone and I called my mom, then prayed for help. While still on the floor, I looked over to see Jonas peeking around the corner of the counter, whimpering. I called him over to me and sat up and held him in my arms as he cried and said, “I thought you were going to die.” It was so heartbreaking, but I held him and reassured him that I was not going to ever leave him.

By far the most difficult aspect of this trial has been to delegate my motherhood responsibilities to others. I love my little boys so fiercely and want to protect them from anything that would bring them discomfort or pain. But today I was faced with reality – that I’m not going to get through these next few months without help. The feeling of helplessness that hit me today is, for me, far more difficult than the physical pain or appearance of chemo. It’s the giving up of control over a routine and system that works best for my family, and trusting the care of my kids to others who I hope will just pick up where I have left off, hugs and kisses and all.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I went downstairs and listened to Elder Bednar’s conference talk about the tender mercies of the Lord. It reminded me that amidst life’s greatest trials, the Lord shows his love for us through the very personal tender mercies that He gives us. Only He knows what I am going through, only He knows my concerns and fears, and only He knows how to give me the tender mercies that will ease my troubled spirit and quiet my fears. I know that as I turn to Him, He will carry me, will send help, seen and unseen, to meet my family’s every need. My life is in His hands, and my family is in His hands. Could there be a more trustworthy, caring, loving being to entrust our care to?

I know there are people out there who are going through similar trials, but with no or little support from others. I am so, so grateful for my family and friends and neighbors who have stepped forward and done so much to help us with meals, childcare, and kind words. You have been the answer to our prayers.

Chemo... 2 down, 6 to go!

I enjoyed reading Harry Potter today while spending 3 hours at the doctor's getting chemo treatment #2. I can't believe it took me this long to read them! I love JK Rowling's writing style. So to all you people who hounded me for years to read her books - you were right!

When I came home from chemo, I found a care package waiting for me from my genious (seriously, her intelligence intimidates me) cousin Amanda. She mailed me a card that made me cry, and a stuffed pig with a paper tied around its neck that had pictures of the pig with various other stuffed pigs, noting which kinds of comforting skills it had learned from each of the other pigs. Anyway, it made me laugh. She also mailed me a book to read and a cute little notebook to write in. Thanks Amanda!

I also had this crazy drive to write when I came home, so I laid in bed and worked on my book for a few hours (I've been writing a novel for the last couple years). I don't know if it was the chemo drugs or pure inspiration, but idea after idea just kept coming to me. I also found it was a wonderful way to think about something else besides the nausea and overall yuckiness I feel. But I can't help but wonder if I'm just delusional, and I will read it in a couple days going, "what the crap was I thinking?"

Keith is taking care of the kids and my mom and sister cleaned my house today. A friend in our neighborhood and twice survivor of breast cancer, Kim Blanchard, brought us dinner. I am so grateful to have family and friends to help us through this. I know I am blessed, lucky, even spoiled. The windows of heaven are opened, and we don't have room enough to receive the abundance of blessings that are being poured upon us.

And I just have to say again - thank you for your prayers and support. I now have a firm testimony that God answers our prayers when we pray for other people, because I have been the recipient of the blessings that come from other people's prayers. I can literally feel a difference, and the best way to describe it is that my burdens feel lifted, I feel at peace and comforted, and every need is being met. So just know that your prayers are never in vain. God hears us and answers us!

Also, thanks for all the nice comments you have made about my blog. It is very therapeutic for me to share my experience with other people, I guess because it makes me feel like I am not alone. So thanks for reading it and being one of the people who understands a little about what I'm going through. I feel like the more people I can share this experience with, the easier the burden will be to bear.

Now I'm going to go take some more meds because I feel like throwing up. Wish me luck!

Adieu, Beloved Hair

This morning when I woke up and ran my fingers through my hair, a bunch of hair decided to stay in my hand instead of on my head. It was a little horrifying, like one of those dreams where all your teeth fall out. I almost cried, but was able to hold it together when I realized that the majority of my hair was still firmly attached. But I also decided that it would probably be less traumatic to just shave my hair off than to have it fall out in clumps. So, today was the day I said goodbye to my hair.

When Keith came home from work, I told him what the plan was, and he agreed to do the dirty work. He made me promise that I would remember who I was, and that I was beautiful no matter what.

So after dinner, I sat on a stool in the kitchen, and Keith (brave soul) shaved all my hair off while I sang "Nothing Compares 2U." When he was about halfway done, our two little boys came in from playing outside. We explained to them why we were shaving my hair off, and they just stood there with wide eyes as locks of Mommy's brown hair dropped to the floor. Jonas said, "Mommy, you look weird, but I still love you." Then he said, "You look like a man now," to which Liam added "Now you can drive a truck." Keith just kept telling me how beautiful I was.

I got through the shaving part without crying, probably because I spent the entire time reassuring my little boys that I wasn't sad and that my hair would grow back someday. When all my hair was gone, I felt fine and I honestly didn't think I would cry. But once I looked in the mirror, no number of Sinead O'Connor or G.I. Jane jokes could keep the tears from coming. I went upstairs and bawled as I shampooed all the stray hairs off my head and neck, then bawled some more as I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person staring back at me.

I said a little prayer, asking Heavenly Father to comfort me, and He reminded me that my worth has nothing to do with what I look like. I am still Sarah, mother of three little boys, wife of a loving devoted husband, daughter and sister of a family who loves me, and most importantly, a daughter of God. As I thought about this, I was filled with a desire to increase my inner beauty - to be a more loving, giving person, because in the end, the beauty of our spirit is the only beauty that lasts.

Cherishing Normalcy

I have felt so good these last couple days that I actually feel normal, and I have to say I have never been so happy just to feel normal.

Yesterday morning I took the car to get detailed (four years of transporting kids has turned it into a germ-fest - not good when you only have 100 white blood cells), and they said it would take 3-4 hours. Keith had just left on a walk with the kids, so I knew he wasn't available to come pick me up, so I decided to just walk home. It took me almost an hour to get home, but it felt great just to have the energy to walk! However, my feet weren't too happy with my decision to wear flip-flops.

Today I went to church and taught my sweet 10-year-old girls, and I told them that my hair was going to fall out, and that I would probably have a wig or scarf on the next time they saw me. My companion, Sis. Godfrey, told them that if they got out of line I would take it off and chase them around the room. I attested to the girls the reality of this threat, so I have a feeling they'll be on their best behavior.

After church, we were really bored and Keith and I ended up getting in a water fight (I know, not an appropriate Sabbath day activity, but it started small and sort of got out of hand). I regret to say that I lost. No, lost isn't quite the right word. Keith pretty much annihilated me with the garden hose. I managed to dump one large cup of water on Keith's shirt, and by the time the war was over, I was drenched from head to toe. It's not over yet though! Keith, you better watch your back!

So, it's nice to see that life is still normal, even if it is a new kind of normal. I know I'm going to have ups and downs over the coming months, but I will cherish the ups more than ever before.