Staying Here

I am over half way through radiation (14 down, 11 to go), and I feel great. My skin is a little pink, but not at all irritated, and although I feel a little more tired than usual, it is definitely manageable. Nothing compared to chemo. If chemo were a marathon, radiation would be a stroll on a sunny beach (where you get a little sunburn). Piece of cake.

My next surgery is scheduled for Feb. 16th. Occasionally I wonder if I’m making the right choice by having my ovaries removed. But when I imagine keeping them, all I feel is fear. It would be like leaving a ticking bomb inside my body. I cry when I think of the little girl I won’t have, but I cry harder when I think of my three little boys without a mother.

Tomorrow is my 7-year wedding anniversary. Keith has been an amazing husband, especially this last year. I don’t know how I would have gotten through all this without him.

Life is pretty much back to normal. I’ve started working again, part-time at home doing HR stuff, I’ve been writing again, and I’m looking forward to LOST starting its final season this week. However, fear occasionally pokes me in the side and whispers, “Hey, what if…” That’s when I reply, “I am healed, the cancer is never coming back. I will be here for my husband and my children, and I still have WAY too much to do to leave this life or to be sick again!”

I love my life! I love doing laundry and dishes, I love making food for my kids and cleaning it off the floor when they’re done “eating” it. I love wiping runny noses and kissing owies. I love reading books and singing songs before bed. I love saying “I love you, good night,” every night to my husband before we go to sleep. I am so glad that I am here to do all these things. And here I will stay.

Here I will stay.