A large, golden, shiny bell hangs from the wall at the exit of the Utah Cancer Center for patients to ring when they are finished with their last chemo treatment. Today I got to listen to fellow cancer patients and nurses cheer as I rang that bell. I didn’t expect to be emotional about it, but I had to choke back tears of joy as I walked through the exit. My mom was waiting for me in her car outside of the building, and when I got in her car she burst into tears from the sight of her daughter walking out of a cancer center wearing a scarf on her head. I wrapped my arms around her and reassured her that everything was going to be okay, and she reassured me in return.
I have made it through the most grueling, difficult four months of my life! And I am a changed person because of it. I don’t take anything for granted anymore - life, health, and family are priceless blessings. I have grown in patience, faith, and compassion. And I have learned to trust God, to “be still, and know that he is God,” to humbly submit to his will and believe that no matter what happens, we are in his hands, and all experiences will be for our good.
I am completely filled with gratitude right now. On my to-do list is written “write thank-you notes to everyone.” It seems like an insurmountable task, because there are so many people who have helped us these last few months.
I still have a few surgeries and radiation to get through, but after going through chemo, I feel like I can get through anything. The next step is a bilateral mastectomy, which will probably be in about three weeks. I am meeting with the surgeon on Monday to go over the details and to schedule the surgery. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
One More...
I know, I've been really bad about updating my blog. So here's a quick update:
I had the same reaction to the Abraxane as I did with the Taxol - chest tightness, itchiness, etc. So they had me go to the ER last Monday to make sure it wasn't anything serious. They did an EKG, chest x-rays, and some blood tests, and everything looked normal, so I got to go home. I talked with my doctor this week about it and he said they are going to go ahead and use Abraxane again for my last treatment, but they are going to load me up with benadryl and steroids to try to avoid the allergic reaction. So if you see me or talk to me in the next couple weeks, watch out - the steroids make me completely nuts (Keith can vouch for that - dear, patient soul).
I've felt pretty good these last couple weeks, though not quite normal. The chest pain comes and goes, my toes are constantly numb, and it occasionally feels like I am being stabbed in random places with a twisting, serrated knife (actually not as painful as it sounds). But I feel a million times better than I did during the first half of my treatments. No nausea, less fatigue, and I've been able to keep my kids at home with me.
Emotionally, I've been doing great. There are still days when I get scared and cry a lot, but most days I feel hopeful and happy, and I try to go through the day as if I am not battling a life-threatning illness. I try not to fear all the things that "could" happen in the future, but instead try to take things one day at a time. After all, we do not live in the "what if." We live in the "now." So we should cherish and make good use of the "now" instead of being paralyzed by the "what if's" that will most likely never happen.
One more treatment! I am so excited to be done with chemo! November is going to be a great month. My last treatment is on the 13th, then I'm going to see New Moon with a bunch of girls on the 21st (make fun of me if you want), then I'm going to see David Archuleta with Keith on the 24th (yes, another reason to make fun of me), then I get to see a bunch of my family on Thanksgiving. Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is precious.
I had the same reaction to the Abraxane as I did with the Taxol - chest tightness, itchiness, etc. So they had me go to the ER last Monday to make sure it wasn't anything serious. They did an EKG, chest x-rays, and some blood tests, and everything looked normal, so I got to go home. I talked with my doctor this week about it and he said they are going to go ahead and use Abraxane again for my last treatment, but they are going to load me up with benadryl and steroids to try to avoid the allergic reaction. So if you see me or talk to me in the next couple weeks, watch out - the steroids make me completely nuts (Keith can vouch for that - dear, patient soul).
I've felt pretty good these last couple weeks, though not quite normal. The chest pain comes and goes, my toes are constantly numb, and it occasionally feels like I am being stabbed in random places with a twisting, serrated knife (actually not as painful as it sounds). But I feel a million times better than I did during the first half of my treatments. No nausea, less fatigue, and I've been able to keep my kids at home with me.
Emotionally, I've been doing great. There are still days when I get scared and cry a lot, but most days I feel hopeful and happy, and I try to go through the day as if I am not battling a life-threatning illness. I try not to fear all the things that "could" happen in the future, but instead try to take things one day at a time. After all, we do not live in the "what if." We live in the "now." So we should cherish and make good use of the "now" instead of being paralyzed by the "what if's" that will most likely never happen.
One more treatment! I am so excited to be done with chemo! November is going to be a great month. My last treatment is on the 13th, then I'm going to see New Moon with a bunch of girls on the 21st (make fun of me if you want), then I'm going to see David Archuleta with Keith on the 24th (yes, another reason to make fun of me), then I get to see a bunch of my family on Thanksgiving. Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is precious.
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